I don’t think I’ve ever put this down anywhere before, though I’m sure I’ve repeated this story enough times. Anyway. Also known as the story of my only dine-and-dash.
Once I was at Aunt Sarah’s, I think my freshman year of college. We were dining there late-night/early-morning, as kids do, and I ordered a grapefruit. The service was crappy already, slow, but whatever. It’s Aunt Sarah’s. When I got my grapefruit, though, it was cut the wrong way. You know, it should be cut so that the sections have radial symmetry. Not so it looks pretty, but so that you can eat it easily with a spoon.
Right. So I kind of had to stare at it for a minute and think about what an asshole I’m going to sound like when I tell the waitress “the grapefruit isn’t cut right.” Because obviously neither she nor the cook knew/cared how to cut a grapefruit correctly. Or that how it was cut was actually important to being able to eat it.
When she came back, I tried anyway. Maybe they would be open-minded. I explained how grapefruit is normally cut to give a horizontal cross section rather than a vertical one, because that makes it easier to eat.
She was nice about it, but when she came back she traded me my grapefruit half for the other half. Um.
Okay so I was now very mindful of not letting the situation out of hand, but at the same time I wanted my damn grapefruit.
“This is the other half.”
“It is cut the same way as the other grapefruit.”
She took it back to the kitchen. She came back with a smaller half of a grapefruit, so apparently a different one, but it was still cut the same way.
“Fine. Can I just have a sharper knife then?”
I tried to gouge-eat it with a steak knife or whatever. Not really successful, and also now wondering what bodily fluids could have been smeared on it before it came back to me. My friend wasn’t satisfied with her food either. So we just asked for the bill. Another friend who had only ordered a soda realized what we were about to do [not pay] and felt bad, so he threw down five bucks.
I mean, they already thought I was an asshole. In fact, I already was an asshole. She brought us the check and disappeared into the back. We walked out.