i just caught myself thinking something, and it was a little bit desperate. i was surprised. the thought was, “but you Have to believe it.” when have i ever counseled myself like that before?
no need to worry, i mean… i caught the knot, hung on. climbed back up. i’m just surprised, like i said. at the urgency, and i guess at the conviction.
i was thinking about jason again. i guess ’cause halloween’s coming, and we just passed his birthday, and because i think about him a lot.
and not just halloween is coming, but día de los muertos. which beyond their namesakes also mark the halfway calendar point between fall & winter.*
i guess specifically what brought this up is i just started reading the english translation of labyrinth of solitude, and octavio paz is talking about an invisible wall surrounding the consciousness of childhood, which starts to break down in adolescence. so i was thinking about crossing barriers and realms of consciousness. and crossing dimensions.
also today i listened to the amazing fever ray RA podcast, which is halloween-oriented. the mix includes a prominent sample:
“death is not final, only a misunderstanding of time”
which is something i realized just after jason died. no one had ever said it to me, except maybe indirectly madeleine l’engle in a wrinkle in time when i was 10; i actually pretty much thought it up myself, to the extent i was surprised to hear it spoken on a mass-distributed recording.
but it’s what i believe. it was how i rationalized his death, and in fact it seems not just realistic or plausible to me, but honest. however necessary an ingredient hope is, too.
it’s the idea that even though he’s dead now, here, he’s still alive then, there. somewhere. it goes along with the idea that the past doesn’t stop existing; we just no longer behold a moment once we’ve lived through it.** that his 31 years of time and movement are a container of infinity, which keeps going in its own way.
this is what i was telling myself i “Have to believe,” that he’s still alive.
The diagram shows how to create a tesseract from a point, going through the first 4 dimensions. A tesseract represents the 4th dimension, which is basically time, or movement through time.
*the celts passed through spain before settling in the british isles, so it makes sense that the spanish would be aware of a form of halloween, too (all soul’s day); also that in mexico it would be combined with the holiday of the solar-conscious aztecs and mayans that already existed when the spanish got here.
**i was also thinking about karl lagerfeld & his twitter account.